Hindsight
by KatanaDoshi
Summary: Sometimes, Twenty/Twenty Hindsight sucks. Onesided McKay/Sheppard


Can be found in Wraithbaite under the name Quinn. Can be found at LJ under the name KatanaDoshi  
>Onesided Slash, SheppardMcKay

Second Person POV practice. I enjoyed it.

I came up with this while at my grandmother's house and wrote the whole thing in the margins of a Su do Ku puzzle book all within an hour's time.

Spoiler-esque for what I like to call the 5/6 a solar system incident. Also known as Trinity.

* * *

><p>As far as epiphanies go, this wasn't all that impressive. You'd always figured that if you had one, it would be Nobel Prize worthy at least. After all, Einstein's epiphany almost caused a nuclear holocaust. Still 'I love John Sheppard' was pretty attention grabbing, so you take a moment to ask yourself why you've suddenly gone insane and why the hell you decided to do it during lunch.<p>

But you haven't gone insane and the realizations are just starting. Oh, you're not gay. You and everyone around you know it. You've never been into guys – except, of course, for that brief stint in college but, hello, college. Besides, your Canadian so sexual experimentation is practically a requirement – But as you think about it, if you were to suddenly be gay, hypothetically, it would be for someone like Sheppard. He's attractive in a rogue-esque sort of way, he's funny, he's smart (MENSA smart. That's always a plus) and he's saved your ass more times than you can count. What's not to like?

Now that you realize that you may, possibly, be gay for Colonel John Sheppard, you let out a sigh of relief because if you'd known to begin with you may have acted on it or unintentionally let something slip. Except that, oh shit, you have. Acted on it, anyways. You've been flirting with him. Trading insult for insult in a sort of foreplay that could only work for someone like you. Maybe he hasn't noticed. He traded snark for snark but sometimes those rebounds hit pretty far bellow the belt. Was he telling you to back off? Of course. A military man like him wouldn't have put up with that sort of thing. Not from a scientist. Except he's not that kind of man and you know it. Not only did he know you were flirting, he flirted back. How long has this been going on?

- and this is one of those times where being brilliant sucks, because your smart without even trying and the answer comes to you unbidden –

Since day one.

But it isn't going on anymore. You're not flirting with each other. You avoid each other like the plague and it's awkward when you are together. It's starting to get lonely. He's not bringing you breakfast or coffee in the labs anymore (at this point you've already given into the idea that your gay and that he was courting you in his own strange little way) and you miss the friendly banter. You're irritable and you know it. Radek has told you every day this week, sometimes twice a day, so you know that at least he's noticed. You're in a bad mood all because you miss him.

And isn't that a bitch? You've spent years building up those emotional walls, years keeping people out so that you would never be hurt again and along comes some rakish haired fly-boy and down they go and now you hurt again.

And what's worse is that you know why he's avoiding you and why it hurts. And it's all your fault.

You lost his trust. You lost his trust and he effectively broke up with you all in the same instant and you didn't even know it. What's more, when he said those painful words, he broke your heart too. In that moment anything that could have been, anything that might have developed, was destroyed. Ruined by your own stupid pride.

And you realize – staring down at your pudding cup, stubbornly holding back the tears as they threaten to fall, because you are not about to start crying in the middle of the mess hall – That all these painful realizations could have been avoided if you'd just stopped yourself from glancing over at his table where he's joking and laughing as per usual, completely forgetting about you.

Sometimes, 20/20 hindsight is a real bitch.

* * *

><p>Review Please. This is mine, btw. I'm allowed to cross post to as many sites as I want.<p> 


End file.
